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03:56:19 - 2000-06-07 1. A talk today about what I don't like about conversations. One, I am terrified of offending someone and therefore never ask interesting questions. Two, so many people ask my opinion on things that I don't want to have an opinion on. I do not like to be taken apart from something and asked my opinion on what used to be me. The example I gave was that someone takes a scoop of mint chocolate chip ice cream from a box and puts it in a dish. Then they ask the ice cream left in the box what it thinks of the ice cream in the dish. That may not make any sense, but the truth is is that I prefer who i am in solitude to who I am with people, and so I have started to prefer solitude to people. This, I realize, is a shortcut: that to really mean anything you have to be able to function with normal society as well as be, like, a good person, you know? 2. Funny story: I read a horoscope, everyday for two years. I have compared it to my daily life to surprisingly accurate results and have been won over to its side- not as a definitive, mind you, but as a skeptical believer. Yesterday it said that I would have problems at work and be tempted to quit. I went to work expecting a massive power struggle. When I got there the manager shook my hand and gave me a silver pin for excellent service for a year. Then they fixed the noisy fan I have been complaining about for six months. All the stuff I hated doing- sweets and bagels and pan breads- were already done. And I got to leave 15 minutes early. Now I am done with horoscopes, forever. 3. ________ has left for europe for the summer. My own inability to believe in my capacity to stay faithful has cast a dim shadow on her departure. Why is it that i will be so happy when she is here, feel so sad that she is gone, and yet, as soon as I am home, come inches away from a sigh of relief? 4. I am a human barometer. I sleep when it rains. Tonight it started raining- I had no idea as I am in a absement with no real view of the weather. I fell asleep astonishingly early. _______ thought I was a loser for it and when we went outside so I could drive her home and it was pouring out, I said to her isn;t it amazing that my body knows when it is raining, just like that? I am a human barometer, I said. _____ was depressingly unshaken and unamazed by the ordeal. She thought i was making excuses. 5- a continuation of 1 I think that I will no longer give opinions for the sake of giving opinions on things, because no one really cares anyway, and its only detrimental to my spiritual development. Conversation involving negative opinions is a hazard to the spiritual life of the planet. I mean negative in the sense that conditioning means negative: Opinions, and questions, which ask you to take away from your environment. In this case the enviironment is me. The goal is to dissolve so that there is no seperation between myself and everything else. Therefore, conversation which involves positive opinions- that which places, for example, a scoop of ice cream back into the box- is my new speech pattern. That which inspires me to understand the interconnectedness, rather than the disconnectedness, of the world and my mind. X is very good at this, and it is a reason i love her so, and I am sure there are others who will not take away and seperate me from the world. I mean plenty already.
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